Fatigue, Continue.

Tired seems to be common phrase that is buzzing around my ears recently. I strongly credit the sudden promotion of the usage of this word to the upcoming NYP Musical which is due to kick off this coming friday.

Perhaps in a good sense I cant see the opening show on Friday for I have to give make-up tuition lessons to my Pri 2 kid for his upcoming Maths Exam on 8th May. Besides, most people I know are also going to watch the Saturday show so we can all celebrate properly after the musical. I can only pray for all of the performers that they will maintain their best of health so that this musical will be a great success for all of them. So much hard work, so much tears. There were a few times when I did feel a slight pang of regret that I cannot share this burden with them but I guess being there as a supportive audience is the best I can do for now.

As of my current state now I am also nursing a 39 degrees fever. I do believe it will do go down in a matter of hours after taking that panadol but it still feels odd to blog in this light-headed state of mind. I can't even be sure if I will remain coherent a while later when the drug effect kicks in and I start to roll my eyeballs and sway in my vision. Ever wondered how its like to continue blogging in a state when you are concious of yourself slowly losing conciousness and still struggle to finish up what you need to do? It's not the same as struggling to stay awake because staying awake simply requires a jolt to the body like a loud noise or an action like hitting your arm real hard so your brain registers an electric shock [somethin like that] and transmits new brainwaves to awaken the slowly deteriorating muscles. Kinda bio I suddenly sound. Hmmm, maybe the drug is starting to take effect and I am now just penning down whatever comes to mind. Funny thing is - I'm still concious and I'm definitely not just prattling off some inane nonsensical gibberish which will just seek to create a loss of interest in continued reading.

Ok perhaps this direction is goin off-track. I do realise this sickness is an accumulation of past months of continous working on weekdays and some weekends as well. Not in the sense I stay in the office all day but I would burn my weekends just doing research for upcoming projects on my weekends just so that I can improve my product knowledge by a tremendous pace so that I can stabilise myself into the role as soon as possible. The results have finally started to show but so too are there results of fatigue being converted into sickness for my health. Felt a bit weird in tango today but I set down my determination and focused for just that 2 hours. I can only remember Yeeshan's words in my head," I have to want to perform."

When I heard his short comment of saying I have improved my heart leaped. To hear his short sentence of praise I know it does not come easy because Yeeshan is never easy-going on compliments. I only wish I could find enough time to re-train myself properly in jazz and lyrical hiphop when my project really stabilises. Seeing the SA auditions for the new batch of juniors last saturday just made me feel that most of them do not know how lucky they to receive a structured training syllabus which will guarantee results although they have to learn to combat stress first.

But I see good hopes for this new batch of juniors. Some of them already display energy when doing Peter's jazz chereo. Something which is not easy considering their age or amount of experience to proper jazz chereo.

Sigh. Time to continue with my rest. My brain is slowly sinking into oblivion.

Roads. Crossroads.

As I contemplate over the latest product information that I have received with regards to my newest project, my mind drifted unconciously back to my last tango practise. It was.. enjoyable. Though I did feel mildly embarrased that I could not stop perspiring. My partner was concerned and consoled me because she thought that I was feeling very stressed.

Truth is. I could not stop holding my breath because of my posture and its making me feel uncomfortable. Ah well, the ills of having too much to "spill" out just beneath my chest. Means I have to hold my breath to hold my tummy up silly.

Guess I have to find some way to either breathe as I dance or I just have to find some way to hold up my framework like switching on some kitchen light. Just a simple flick and its done.

My Convocation is this friday and I have just collected my graduation gown today. Thousands of thoughts flashed across my mind when I stood there while the boutique studio lady dressed me up properly with the graduation gown so that I can confirm that the size is fitting. The fact is - it fits to a T. Standing there, looking at myself in the mirror - How time flies. 4 years. Since I first embarked on this long and almost never ending journey of struggling for my studies at night while I work in the daytime. Not to mention the initial years of my studies I was basically maintaing a balance of clearing my bank loan debts [which I incurred during my 2 yrs of studies in NUS and that... is another story], tryin to accommodate a girlfriend who simply siphons off whatever financial means I could barely afford. Makes me wonder how did I survive that initial 1yr plus anyway.

No matter, the thanks I have to give to her though was that I learnt to spend really little on myself. Which subsequently cultivated a very specific spending lifestyle which helped me pull through the undergrad years and even saved enough to accommodate my final yr of degree studies on a full-time basis.

The point is - as I stood there looking at myself in the mirror a sudden sadness whelmed up inside me. For that fleeting moment I resisted the impulse to release the tears and simply shout out," I've finally done it!" I stood in silence for quite a while.. the stillness of the air-conditioning creating a sudden increase in the pressure of the surroundings. The boutique studio lady - Alice is her name - stood by my side sheepishly while she enquired gently,"Do you feel that it fits?"

I smiled. Swiped the card. Collected the gown and left. High Spirits.

Back in the office after work hours today my colleagues gathered in a small commotion congratulating me with beaming smiles and gentle cheers. I guess it's been awhile since they had some excuse to 'celebrate' something.. anything. The unexpected amount of attention I received caused a slight blush which only prompted them to tease me further. Making me put on the gown despite my clumsiness. Using the camera installed inside the mobile phones, proceeded to take snapshot of me.

I almost felt like some mannequin being parodied on a runaway.

As I left the office, my pace slowed to a stroll. My mind pondered over my past, present and the future. Of who, what, where and why. Of the times when I just wanted to take a holiday and get away from it all. Of the times where I simply didnt have a care in the world. I missed those times. To be truthful, I haven't had a holiday for at least 4yrs. And this holiday just wont happen anytime soon because I'm so close to stabilising my current job. This project has to take off successfully if I want to have sufficient free time for myself in the near future. As what the direct translation of the chinese saying goes,"Better to experience the initial bitterness and savour the sweet aftermath."

As I reached left the pedestrian path and walked out to the main road, I stood at the crossroads. Pondering.

Boarded a cab. With a smile stretching my lips from left to right. The lingering of a sweet aftermath.

Life. Has just begun. My road. My path.