Monday, December 25, 2006

Needed. Wanted.

"This is the way I work - When you do not want me but need me I will not go. When you want me but do not need me, that is when I must go."

The words of Nanny McPhee echoes in loops of echoes resounding within my head. How much of truth is not important, what is important is - What do we make of needs and wants?

A need is something that must be around? Like the daily basic necessities?
A want is a term commonly catalogued for desires? Like the indulgive luxury?

What then do we make of needs that becomes a want? Under what circumstances does a need become a want?

When we begin to take someone who had been always around with us helping us with matters big or small, through the hard and cold times, for granted.

A matter of soul searching led my shuffling feet into the earthen box with a green light that reads, "Priest available"

"Bless me Father for I have sinned, I am not a regular church goer because I cannot find it within myself to stick to routines. I do not spend enough time with my family when they needed me and I do not contact old friends whom had stayed by me in the past when I had undergone depression."

"My child, it is good that you are willing to conduct this self-imposed matter of soul searching at this time of the year. Come find me again at your disposal should you wish to tell me more."

As I knelt in front of the statue that symbolises the very foundation of my beliefs in my religion, I questioned my very inner thoughts and asked myself,"How much of what I seek is what I want?" Can it be possible that my needs are mostly just.. wants? Like the uncurbed spending of the past 2 months. Majority - Clothes. Do I really "need" all of them? Yes of course! That's the thought I had been telling myself [unconciously] that I "needed" that jacket, that pair of shoes, that pair of track pants..

And so Christmas has come and passed, with a toned celebration at Zelia's house comprising of simple food and simple chatter. Funny thing is - I enjoyed the simple fanfare tremendously. There was a round of gift exchange - speaking of which I felt really guilty because as I stepped into the office on the 22nd Dec (Friday) colleagues were going all round giving and exchanging gifts. This is the first time that I had experienced what it feels like to work in a small company. I hear part-timers complain that the job sucks. Well, maybe that's because they were not involved in the larger section of the backstage management where the actual bonding happens. Simple gifts were passed to me from different colleagues which I could only constantly mutter "thanks" because there was nothing else I could do at the moment.

Even the annual countdown was passed me by amidst the quieter atmosphere of Lau Pa Sat. The rest of the group surged out onto the streets when the fireworks sounded to mark the beginning of a new year. Me? I was waiting patiently for the food I ordered to arrive. So when the group came back I greeted them with a simple feast that was meant as a gift to welcome in the new year. Guess I didn't need fireworks anymore, I needed something more tangible to mark a celebration. Food it seems, was the most obvious choice.

Gained about 2 kg from all the constant feasting during the holiday seasons. Normal circumstances would have seen me possibly groan and moan in agony because it would take more hard work to re-tone back the excess baggage but this time, it didn't matter.

Because I enjoyed every single moment of the feasting.

Amidst the great company that I have.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Drooping

I am beginning to lose counts of how many times I have closed my eyes for short, quick periods of napping. Make that really short periods of naps like.. 10 seconds? My colleagues caught me in action for a few times and cautioned me to find some alternative to remedy the situation. Maybe I should start considering getting myself addicted to coffee as well. Seems that Lunch napping hours are beginning to be insufficient as well. In the first place they wouldn't really be effective for early mornin hours as I still have to struggle to keep myself awake till the lunch hours before I get some deserved rest for my dying brain cells.

Events and Celebrations are comin up fast and furious [pls don't remind me of the Teriyaki Boyz song, I'll commit murder without hesitation] and so is the festive mood for everyone. My Company is having an extended lunch break this comin thursday. Seems like this carolling group for a home called GraceHaven will be putting up a short performance for us on thursday 11:30am and after the performance we'll be having a potluck session as well. Hmmm, I have volunteered to bring otah for the whole group of company's perm staff. At least it sounds like I don't have to bleed from this potluck. A certain colleague volunteered to bring chicken wings and nuggets. My God. Good luck if you're not plannin to cook or fry them yourself.

In addition, seems that word has somehow spread amongst my colleagues about my dance background and now I have an all-guys team on my hands which I have to chereo a hiphop routine and let them perform on our Christmas cum Dinner & Dance Night on the 22nd December. My God [yes yes again I know] this is ridiculous. What do they expect me to do? Throw a song and just let them stand there and shake? These are guys who have no clue on how to even move properly and I only have like 10 days to get them to learn and remember steps and perform? Argggghhhh. Somebody just pass me a knife I'll perform the Japanese act of Hari-Kiri.

I am not lamenting about the lack of routines or steps that I can come up with for the performance's chereography. I'm worried about how to teach them. Like I said how do you teach someone to "bounce" in like.. 5 sessions? And I'm not talkin about other real basic stuff like asking them to show strength when dancing.. Sigh. *Covers face in hands* Should not have said yes when the Big Boss shot me this arrow to implement this item. I'm already scratching my brains inside out on even what song to use to perform. There's no way I can use a fast song because they won't be able to keep up with the tempo. Tell me please someone, how do you use a medium to a slow speed song to come up with simple but nice moves that does not require any or very little techniques to perform perhaps a 2min song? *Screams in agony*

I'm also surprised my brain is able to load so many different chereographies till now.. Hiphop [for SA and Jitterbugs.. oh and one for myself as well], Jazz [SA], Waltz.. V Waltz.. Salsa.. Rock & Roll.. [under Ballroom]. Oh yeah, surprise! Project Dance NYP has just been formalised into a club! Its called... Le Ballroom En Masse I think.. some french name which I have no idea how to spell it properly nor pronounce it properly yet. Bah, french. Should have just let me try to roll my R's properly first.

Alrite, back to work. Admist the pending dark clouds brimming outside my office window and the strong winds that are picking up and threatening to blow away everythin in its path.

A sign? You bet. Challenges ahead.