Needed. Wanted.

"This is the way I work - When you do not want me but need me I will not go. When you want me but do not need me, that is when I must go."

The words of Nanny McPhee echoes in loops of echoes resounding within my head. How much of truth is not important, what is important is - What do we make of needs and wants?

A need is something that must be around? Like the daily basic necessities?
A want is a term commonly catalogued for desires? Like the indulgive luxury?

What then do we make of needs that becomes a want? Under what circumstances does a need become a want?

When we begin to take someone who had been always around with us helping us with matters big or small, through the hard and cold times, for granted.

A matter of soul searching led my shuffling feet into the earthen box with a green light that reads, "Priest available"

"Bless me Father for I have sinned, I am not a regular church goer because I cannot find it within myself to stick to routines. I do not spend enough time with my family when they needed me and I do not contact old friends whom had stayed by me in the past when I had undergone depression."

"My child, it is good that you are willing to conduct this self-imposed matter of soul searching at this time of the year. Come find me again at your disposal should you wish to tell me more."

As I knelt in front of the statue that symbolises the very foundation of my beliefs in my religion, I questioned my very inner thoughts and asked myself,"How much of what I seek is what I want?" Can it be possible that my needs are mostly just.. wants? Like the uncurbed spending of the past 2 months. Majority - Clothes. Do I really "need" all of them? Yes of course! That's the thought I had been telling myself [unconciously] that I "needed" that jacket, that pair of shoes, that pair of track pants..

And so Christmas has come and passed, with a toned celebration at Zelia's house comprising of simple food and simple chatter. Funny thing is - I enjoyed the simple fanfare tremendously. There was a round of gift exchange - speaking of which I felt really guilty because as I stepped into the office on the 22nd Dec (Friday) colleagues were going all round giving and exchanging gifts. This is the first time that I had experienced what it feels like to work in a small company. I hear part-timers complain that the job sucks. Well, maybe that's because they were not involved in the larger section of the backstage management where the actual bonding happens. Simple gifts were passed to me from different colleagues which I could only constantly mutter "thanks" because there was nothing else I could do at the moment.

Even the annual countdown was passed me by amidst the quieter atmosphere of Lau Pa Sat. The rest of the group surged out onto the streets when the fireworks sounded to mark the beginning of a new year. Me? I was waiting patiently for the food I ordered to arrive. So when the group came back I greeted them with a simple feast that was meant as a gift to welcome in the new year. Guess I didn't need fireworks anymore, I needed something more tangible to mark a celebration. Food it seems, was the most obvious choice.

Gained about 2 kg from all the constant feasting during the holiday seasons. Normal circumstances would have seen me possibly groan and moan in agony because it would take more hard work to re-tone back the excess baggage but this time, it didn't matter.

Because I enjoyed every single moment of the feasting.

Amidst the great company that I have.